(Hilary Valdez)
During Vietnam my role as a bugler was to play taps while Marines were being buried. Grim duty. I played over 100 funerals. Sure, I was combat trained: weapons, shooting, hand-to-hand combat, fighting with knives, pugil sticks, testing my endurance, show no emotion, just engage the adversary.
One dreary, overcast day after playing, a grief-stricken father approached me. Standing in my dress blues with a red stripe along my trousers, gold buttons, shiny gold buckle, when suddenly the bereaved father desperately grabbed me with both hands and shook me, sobbing, asking: “Why is my son dead, why are you alive?” “Why is my son dead?” He wailed, collapsing in my arms. I held him tightly against my chest and whispered in his ear: “I am sorry. I am so sorry.” His grief was beyond consolable.
After surviving a plane crash in a C-141, burying Marines, dealing with grieving parents, wives, children, and family members, I was filled with negative feelings, anger, and resentments. My cousin died in Vietnam, two weeks before his wedding, we had a funeral instead. My other cousin was wounded and never recovered. When I was released from active duty, I couldn’t believe I made it out alive. I thought it was a mistake. But now what? A trained bugler and assassin: do I put that on my resume?
Searching for a new me and a new life I enrolled at United States International University (USIU), in San Diego, whose academic goal was to focus on human excellence. As an undergraduate psychology major I worked in the graduate school library, checking out books. I had a lot of time to read, it was quiet.
Little did I know how fortunate I was to meet and shake hands with Dr. Carl Rogers and attend to his therapeutic lecture on Unconditional Positive Regard. Then, I met Dr. Viktor Frankl and attended his lecture on Logo Therapy, which I didn’t understand. Then, I met Dr. Albert Ellis and attended his lecture, filled with swear words, on Rational Emotive Therapy. I liked him. But these lectures were reserved for Ph.D. candidates, but since I worked in the library, staff were invited to attend. As a pea green freshman, my studies in psychology were off to a meteoric beginning, meeting the historic giants in the field. I was truly blessed.
Working in the library, I participated in multiple weekend growth groups/encounter groups/or T-groups, as they were called. The marathon groups were all day, very intense. The focus was on Rogerian Therapy or unconditional positive regard, which is a powerful concept in psychology that can transform relationships and personal growth. It involves accepting and valuing individuals as they are, without judgment or conditions. This was new to me: totally. Marines never taught me this.
Being in the group I began to learn self-acceptance and that self-acceptance starts from within. Only then by accepting myself, flaws and all, could I begin to lay the foundation for emotional healing. By learning self-compassion, it helped me to release pent-up resentment and negative emotions.
Talking honestly with other men and women helped nurture empathy, and by extending unconditional positive regard to others, it encouraged my own empathy and understanding. During the groups, which I term, healing circles, I recognized that everyone experiences struggles and deserves compassion. This realization helped me forgive myself and move beyond feelings of anger and bitterness.
I learned open communication, as group members felt safe expressing their emotions without fear of judgment. This helped resolve conflicts, prevent misunderstandings, and strengthen relationships. By embracing this approach, I could develop resilience in the face of adversity. Rather than dwelling on negative feelings, I focused on personal growth and learning from my experiences.
What was difficult to learn was recognizing a shared humanity. Or putting an intellectual layer of understanding on top of gut feelings and having a more universal outlook. Doing so helped me move beyond past hurts and create a space for healing. All humans have imperfections. What is important was accepting and valuing people just as they are. By embracing my own imperfections helped me overcome inner conflicts. By accepting what is given to me, I can train myself to overcome current setbacks, overcome negative feelings, pent up resentments, and nurture forgiveness. Sprinkle a little meditation in there and your life can change.
Many people walk around tied up in emotional knots, filled with anxiety, depression and interpersonal conflicts. Dr. Ellis suggested using the ABC method of Rational Emotive Therapy suggesting that emotional and behavioral consequences (C) are influenced by our beliefs (B) about events or situations (A). By challenging irrational beliefs, we can change our emotional and behavioral responses and replace irrational thoughts with more constructive thoughts. Sounds easy. But personal growth is always a challenge. Just have to decide-to-decide. Create your own Healing Circle.
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Hilary Valdez is a freelancer living in Tokyo, Japan. He is an experienced Mental Health professional and Resiliency Trainer. Valdez is a former Marine and has worked with the military most of his career and most recently worked at Camp Zama as a Master Resiliency Trainer. Valdez now has a private practice and publishes books on social and psychological issues. His books are available on Amazon and for Kindle. Learn more about Valdez and contact him at his website or email. Follow his YouTube channel Hilary’s Quick Talk for more insights.
